Tag Archives: suicide

Robin Williams and Depression

Robin_WilliamsOne of my favorite comedians of all time has died. RIP Robin Williams.

Immediately upon the reporting of is death, we knew it was a suicide and it was widely reported he was suffering from depression. Today, one day later, all the experts and psychologists are out and talking. I suppose that’s fine, we need to talk about it. But it all feels so typical. We’ve been though this before. Dr. Drew is back on again.

I know about depression and I know about suicidal thoughts. I’ve been in that deep, dark hole before. I won’t purport to know exactly what Robin Williams was going through, but I have an inkling. So much trite advice and speculation is being bandied about in the media by people who have no idea what it’s like to feel those feelings. It’s easy to think what you should do from the outside, but when you’re deep inside the hole, it’s not so easy or clear. Don’t assume someone needing help will ask for it. If you see someone who looks like they are in trouble, ask them if you can help. Yes, people hide their depression but usually there are signs, cracks. Maybe you can be that one last glimmer of hope that keeps them going.

Turned My World To Black

hopeimageThe complete and total loss of all hope. This is what turned my world to black. A deep, seemingly endless black hole and I nearly lost myself in it.

Hope is a popular thing to talk about, but I learned a in a vey personal way, the power of hope. It is the very thread that holds it all together and may be the one thing keeping you from falling over the edge.

During some of my darker years, there were times I had feelings of complete and total hopelessness. Not intellectual or theoretical this time, but very real. So real, in fact, that I became really scared like I had never been before. Scared in a way that I knew I was in a dangerous place, and that scared me even more. It was the closest I ever came to suicide. I could see it clearly; if there was no hope of any kind, there was no point of staying around. Very logical. I am not one to actively kill myself or maybe I just wasn’t as far as I thought I was, but I did have a very strong desire to die in a passive way. For example, if I could die of a heart attack in my sleep or by some ramdom accident. To go to sleep and just not wake up. I started with the feeling that it wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen and progressed to really wanting it. Then the hopelessness kicked in and I realized I wasn’t joking around at all, I wanted to die passively in some way. This is when I scared the crap out of myself and realized I needed help.

Soon after that I had my second nervous breakdown and went to see a psychiatrist, mostly because I wanted anti-depressants. I was so fragile and desperate I couldn’t wait to swallow that first pill. I think I started to understand why some people take drugs. I would have done anything to stop the pain. In a different situation and without the resources available to me, I would have gladly taken whatever drug I could have gotten ahold of. Whatever would stop the pain.

I loved being medicated, because it made me stop feeling so much. I could tollerate almost anything. I loved being numb. Readers of this blog know I was on Lexapro for several years and was scared to stop taking it. Why mess with a good thing, right? Until I realized it was not working the same way anymore and it was actually starting to cause more problems than it was solving. The depth of my numbness lead me to stop taking care of things; my wife and family, ect. If my life completely fell apart and I lost everything, I just didn’t seem to care. That’s when I knew it was time to rejoin the feeling world.

Today, I still struggle with darkness which is kind of the point of this whole blog, but the most important lesson I have learned is to never, ever loose hope. No matter what happens, that’s the one thing you must hold on to above all else.

I hope you are doing well fair readers and I wish you nothing but the best.

Reality Shock

sign-realitycheckI received a very disturbing Facebook message the other day about a mutual friend. This friend has just committed suicide. We weren’t super close, but we knew each other well enough. Jeff was a great guy. Nice, good job, great family, ect. What could be so wrong? It goes to show, you can never know the darkness that inhabits someones soul, no matter what they appear on the outside. I am not terribly unlike Jeff although I don’t have the good job at the moment which is causing some stress. But if you met me, you might never know the anxiety and tention I deal with on a daily basis. You might never know how many times in the past I have wanted to die. I have never been close to active suicide, but what I call “passive” suicide absolutely. I thought about Jeff and wondered if he lived with “passive” suicide too and if something flipped the switch to turn things active. That scared me a little.

I still don’t know how I am able to manage myself these days. Why I have not gone down the rabbit hole of darkness I used to spiral into. I wish Jeff could have found his way through because he was, as they say, one of the good ones. The world is full of so many shitty people, we can’t afford to loose the good ones. While I don’t spiral into deep depression anymore, I can get very down and despondent and this news jolted me right out of that mood. It was like a wakeup call. Yeah, your life sucks, waaa waaa, not as badly as Jeff’s apparently.

I’m sorry it had to come to that Jeff. I hope you are finally at peace.