Category Archives: Drugs

Hello Wellbutrin, My New Friend

My diabetes doc agrees I have ADD and preliminarily prescribed Wellbutrin. I was initially not happy because I found out it is primarily an anti-depressant and I don’t want an anti-depressant. I am not depressed really at all. ADD is my problem. However, with a little research, I found out it’s not like Lexapro at all. A completely different class of drug. It is also used quite a bit in the treatment of ADD and is a good alternative to the stimulants. Ok, I’ll roll with it for now. It’s only been three days on a low dose, so it may be a bit until I see some real effects.

I am also getting some better med management than a diabetes doc, so I am waiting for an appointment with a full psychologist. We’ll see what he says and I will respect that. I do her Adderall is an even better drug for ADD but does have its disadvantages. Now that I am back on, 4 out of 5 members of our immediate family are on drugs for psychological problems. I am hopeful though. I think I’ve had ADD for many years and just now I am getting some treatment. I am very interested to see how I respond and for things to get better for me.

Back on the Sauce

Well, at least I beat one year since I posted last. It’s been a shit year in so many ways. I have been unemployed since January, my wife hates me more than you can imagine and I feel most days like I’m hanging on by a thread. I have not considered myself “depressed” all this time, but I have finally come to the realization that I am not happy. Far from it. My job prospects keep falling through and about every five days (sometimes more often) my wife will berate me for a half an hour about how shitty I am. Am I shitty? Not that much. Could I do more around the house to help, yes. I’m not sure the punishment fits the crime. Or maybe it does and I’m all that bad. I don’t even know who the fuck I am anymore. She’s crazy herself, on Lexapro, but mentally fragile and unstable. If I could just get a  job, things would be much better. They always get worse when I  am out of work. Too much time at home.

I really have not wanted to see a shrink again and go on meds, but I am now pretty sure that’s going to happen. Again, it’s so different this time. If you asked me if I’m depressed, I would say no. But so very unhappy.What do you do for that? The Lexapro before helped me not fall into a pit of despair, but I never do that anymore. That’s not the problem. I have always wondered about taking an ADHD medicine. I do get very distracted and at other times hyperfocused. Our daughter has added an ADHD med to her Lexapro and it seems to be working very well. She has more energy and a more positive outlook. This is what I need. But to get the drug, I have to see a doc.

Turned My World To Black

hopeimageThe complete and total loss of all hope. This is what turned my world to black. A deep, seemingly endless black hole and I nearly lost myself in it.

Hope is a popular thing to talk about, but I learned a in a vey personal way, the power of hope. It is the very thread that holds it all together and may be the one thing keeping you from falling over the edge.

During some of my darker years, there were times I had feelings of complete and total hopelessness. Not intellectual or theoretical this time, but very real. So real, in fact, that I became really scared like I had never been before. Scared in a way that I knew I was in a dangerous place, and that scared me even more. It was the closest I ever came to suicide. I could see it clearly; if there was no hope of any kind, there was no point of staying around. Very logical. I am not one to actively kill myself or maybe I just wasn’t as far as I thought I was, but I did have a very strong desire to die in a passive way. For example, if I could die of a heart attack in my sleep or by some ramdom accident. To go to sleep and just not wake up. I started with the feeling that it wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen and progressed to really wanting it. Then the hopelessness kicked in and I realized I wasn’t joking around at all, I wanted to die passively in some way. This is when I scared the crap out of myself and realized I needed help.

Soon after that I had my second nervous breakdown and went to see a psychiatrist, mostly because I wanted anti-depressants. I was so fragile and desperate I couldn’t wait to swallow that first pill. I think I started to understand why some people take drugs. I would have done anything to stop the pain. In a different situation and without the resources available to me, I would have gladly taken whatever drug I could have gotten ahold of. Whatever would stop the pain.

I loved being medicated, because it made me stop feeling so much. I could tollerate almost anything. I loved being numb. Readers of this blog know I was on Lexapro for several years and was scared to stop taking it. Why mess with a good thing, right? Until I realized it was not working the same way anymore and it was actually starting to cause more problems than it was solving. The depth of my numbness lead me to stop taking care of things; my wife and family, ect. If my life completely fell apart and I lost everything, I just didn’t seem to care. That’s when I knew it was time to rejoin the feeling world.

Today, I still struggle with darkness which is kind of the point of this whole blog, but the most important lesson I have learned is to never, ever loose hope. No matter what happens, that’s the one thing you must hold on to above all else.

I hope you are doing well fair readers and I wish you nothing but the best.

Brain To Emotions: Activate!

Since quitting Lexapro I am still getting some brain flickering as I call it from time to time, but I think it’s getting less as time goes on. What has happened, quite profoundly, is that I have become much more animated. The bigest and strongest emotion to return is anger. Yea, I get angrier than I have in a long time. It’s nothing bad or abusive to anyone, but I will fight back more now and feel that feeling of frustration. Hardly anything bothered me that much on Lexapro and I let so much go. I don’t know if that always served me well though. It’s not like I had an anger problem before, my issue was depression. But obviously the Lexapro tamped down the anger as well and I don’t mind having it back. It’s part of getting back the passion and drive Lexapro made it harder to access.

A few more times I have had the most horrible dread feeling. It doesn’t last long but wow, I wish could express how absolutely horrific it is. It’s the worst possible feeling you could ever feel, worse than any fear of death. If I could ever put it to words or film I would be the greatest horror storyteller that ever existed.

Quitting Lexapro Update

I am not completely sure how many days I have been off Lexapro because I don’t remember the actual day I ran out of pills. It wasn’t my intention to go cold turkey but I ran out of pills and decided to call my doc and ask about getting off. She didn’t get back to me for a few days and by then it had been a week off the medicine so I figured I would just keep going.

I have been looking at Internet accounts of people getting off Lexapro, which I don’t recommend because it can really freak you out. Many people, I guess, have real problems when coming off the drug. So far, I haven’t felt much of anything. The primary complaint I hear is what are referred to as “brain zaps” which are described as a “rebooting” of sorts. Like you’re not there for a second and then you are fine. The only thing I feel in my head is more of a flickering, like a light flickering on and off quickly. Maybe this is a mini brain zap. It’s weird but not horrible. When I went without Lexapro for more than a few days in the past I would sometimes feel an overwhelming feeling of dread. I wish I could explain better what this was like but suffice to say it was powerful and incredibly scary. There were times when I felt like I might have a panic attack. This is what I feared the most in going off Lexapro but thank God I have only felt this once, when I woke up this morning in fact. Fortunately I did not last long and I kept it together but there was a moment when I thought I was in real trouble.

In my research I read that taking fish oil supplement can help with the brain zaps and contributes generally to a felling of well being. After that scary moment this morning I took a fish oil capsule which I fortunately just happened to have on hand. I will be taking one every morning for the next several weeks, just for safety sake.

Goodbye Lexapro

I have made my decision. I am geting off Lexapro. I did not consult with my shrink on this decision although I will follow her advice for getting off. This was my decision and I had to make it myself. It’s something I have been considering for a month or so.

The primary thing that drove me to the decision was the overwhelming feeling of apathy that has come over me the past year. Lexapro has numbed me out so much I don’t care about anything anymore. This has become a real problem and has affected my daily life. Working for yourself requires tremendous motivation and drive and I have none. I need to feel again, for better or worse.

The other thing is a realization that when I went on Lexapro, I did very much need it and it helped greatly. I was going through an incredibly hard time in my life and was sinking into a deep, dark hole. It was to the point where I was loosing control and I felt like things were getting dangerous. But I am in a different place now and situations have changed. I think I have outlived my need for Lexapro but I have been a little afraid to realize it. Lexapro doesn’t really help you “deal” with anything so much as it turns off the light so you don’t have to see the monster. Now at the time I needed to not see the monster. Now, however, it’s time to stop hiding and move on. I am a different person in a different place. I’m not even sure the monster is even there anymore. If he is, well I need to find a more effective way of dealing with him.

Lexapro: Lulled Into Complacency?

pic_brainimageI have been on Lexapro for a few years now and as I have said on this blog before, it has been the bedrock on which I stand. Lately, however, I have been wondering if the Lexapro has been lulling me into a passive state in which I have not been at my best.

Lexapro has quite effectively dulled out my feelings. I can no longer sink into a deep depression. This has been a good thing, but I also don’t feel any strong emotions when faced with problems I should be taking care of. I can ignore things that end up getting me in big trouble, but I don’t care about the consequences. I used to think I didn’t care because of my depression, but now I am wondering if that’s just the Lexapro dulling things out. I need to feel again. I need to feel so I am spurred to act.

I never thought I would want to leave the protected cocoon Lexapro has provided but I am realizing now, it’s may be doing more harm than good. What will happen when I am faced with a major depressive trama? I don’t know but somehow I feel like it’s time to pull my head out and deal with it already. Maybe the whole things is a self feeding, self defeating shit fest. Oh, woe is me, I need my Lexapro.

I haven’t made a final decision on this, but I will be talking to my doctor about it. I could always go back on Lexapro if it’s a dismal failure. I would love to know if any of you feel Lexapro or your other drugs are dulling you out too much.

Lexapro Is The Bedrock On Which I Stand

Happy PillsWhen I first went to the psychiatrist to get medecine for my depression, I really thought I was going to get something to make me feel happy. What I got was Lexapro which does not make me feel happy. What it does is put a floor under me so that I do not descend into a deep spiral of depression. The best way I can describe Lexapro is that it doesn’t allow me to feel sad. This is a good thing and I’m glad for it, but I really thought there was some kind of happy pill. After several inquiries I have to accept the fact that there is no happy pill.

My first psychiatrist asked once if I wanted to come off the Lexapro as I was doing better. I am not at all ready for that. I’m a little scared to tell you the truth to go off because won’t I go right back to where I was? I haven’t really dealt with the core of my problems yet. Lexapro keeps me going until then. That is why my new nurse practitioner and I are on a path to really get to the core of what is going on and change my neural pathways to literally think different. Only then will I be able to quit the Lexapro.

Lexapro Dreams

Vivid DreamsI really don’t intend this blog to be all about Lexapro, but it is what I take on a daily basis, so there will be plenty of Lexapro posts. I promise in the future, we will move on to other topics.

One of the side effects of Lexapro is what they call “vivid dreams” and I can tell you they aren’t kidding. I cannot relate to you anything specific and it has been a little bit since I have had one, but there are times when I do get some amazingly vivid dreams. These dreams are not like anything I have ever experienced. I am talking crystal clear, full color, dreams as real as anything. They are not particularly bad or scary or good, just incredibly heightened. It’s always a little freaky waking up from one of these dreams. It’s kind of like you just watched, or even participated in, a movie.

You Can Have My Lexapro When You Pry It From My Cold Dead Hands

LexaproI read with amusement and horror this article about various folks in my home state of Oregon who want to rein in the use of mental health drugs. Of course they have done their studies and research and tell them that prolonged use of medicines could be harmfull.

I’m sure they all mean well and the article is somewhat balanced with other opinion that says psychic drugs do work on some people and can be very helpful. Right now I’m pretty dependent on my Lexapro and I really don’t want to hear about reining anything in, at least not for me. Mind your own business and leave me out of it. Whatever harm Lexapro could be doing to me is far less than what I have to go through right now without it. I’ll take the harm.

Do I want to be on drugs forever? No. It would be nice to get to a point where I have learned to effectively cope with my problems, but I’m a long way off from that. You know all these doctors and scientists, doing their little experiments. Have they ever experienced what a deep depression feels like? Have they ever been through a suicidal episode? All your theories and such as all well and good but until you have lived through what we as mental health patients have lived through, you just have no idea what your’re talking about.