I think I have said before that depression is like alcoholism, in that you are never fully cured. There is always that little seed left, waiting to be watered so it can bloom back into full life. People don’t fall of the wagon for no reason.
I haven’t felt any kind of depression close to what I felt when I was in my darkest time, but in the last week or so, I have had strong tinges of bad feelings. They don’t last very long, but they are the worst feelings I have felt in a long time and they remind me the monster lurks just in the shadows. I feel like I am strong enough to handle these feelings and that they will not overtake me as they did before, but I need to make some changes in my life to insure they don’t.
If you have been following along you know the issues, mostly my inability to move forward on several areas I need to make progress on and my general avoidance of so many things. I don’t feel strong or powerful and my overall self-confidence is shot. I am getting more frustrated with myself about these things and I can feel the coming calamity when these decisions or lack of decisions eventually catch up with me. It’s like watching myself in a slow motion car crash. Have you ever had that feeling? You can see it all happening and intellectually you know just what to do, but emotionally you can’t grab the wheel and steer clear of the crash.
Here’s the bottom line for me. I have a very strong limiting belief that I am a huge fraud. Everything you see that looks like I know what I am doing or am accomplished in any way is a big lie. The nice house I have and nice cars? I didn’t really earn them myself. Mostly that came from family money. There was a time, sure, when I was doing well for myself career and money-wise but there has been a much greater time when I haven’t done anything. I am the most underachieving person ever. So the fear of failure that most people have is much greater for me, because it is linked to being fully and completely exposed for the fraud that I am. I have been able to paper things over in my own mind and bury things, but any small failure, like not getting a new job I have applied for, brings the fraud truth closer to the surface. Why risk that, so why apply for new jobs? Or do any of the other things I avoid. Better to hide. Hide and hope it all just goes away, which it won’t, of course.
I do think that is it. I have identified THE problem for me to solve. How to eliminate the limiting belief that I am a fraud. I have plenty of evidence to support the belief, unless you belief that evidence is false. It could hinge on the definition of “fraud”. To be a true fraud, you are representing something that you have no intention or capability to do. The key is capability to do. I have had little actual success to show for my life (the evidence), but it’s not because I don’t have the capability to have the success, but rather that I have allowed myself to be lazy and more recently, dominated by fear. If I truly wasn’t capable enough, that could be a significant problem, but being lazy can be fixed with hard work and moxy. Somewhere, intellectually, I believe I am capable, but emotionally, I have doubts. If I let myself believe I might not be capable, that will lead right back to fraud. This is the disconnection in myself between the intellectual and the emotion. Unfortunately, we are run by emotion, so I have to connect these two. Like I said, intellectually I know what to do but emotionally can’t grab the wheel.
Where we are: Remove the limiting belief of being a fraud by emotionally believing I am capable by connecting intellect to emotion.