How have I been doing lately, you might ask. Same shit, different day.
The post depression funk I have been in persists. Yes, it has been a long time. I still struggle with self confidence and self worth issues daily. Limiting beliefs, still there. I have not made any progress of much of anything. In fact, I have a new dynamic to add to it all, Avoidance.
I have always had avoidance issues, but they have gone in to overdrive lately. Avoid paying bills, making decisions, and taking action on important things. The avoidance, of course, puts me even more behind the 8-ball. Avoidance makes things better in the short term as you get to escape the pain or discomfort but in the long run, everything stacks up and usually comes back at you all at once. I have been wanting to not deal with anything lately. It feels like I am shutting it all down. Should be looking for a better job, which will lead to a positive outcome, but I don’t want to deal with the pain and rejection it takes to get there. I almost feel paralyzed in my actions. I don’t need an anti-depressant but is there a courage pill out there?
At the root of all this is my self confidence. It something I have wrote about before, but I have not been able to improve it. You can read all the books and advice you want, it’s just words. I get no real support from my family, not that I have shared the depth of what I am going through and get zero from my wife, who is going through her own thing now. I think I need some kind of outside support because I cannot generate anything for myself, at least not right away. Is there an on-line support group for self confidence?