I’ve been stuck in a rut lately, not being able to get many things done that I think I want to do. My motivation for anything but the most mundane is completely gone. I do alright at work, but I wouldn’t say I am killing it. At home, I haven’t had the inclination to do what I need to do to push my career forward. With where I am at now, I cannot afford to sit back and relax. I’m not where the family needs me to be to provide. That’s really all financial, emotionally I’m as strong as I have ever been. I still have not mastered self-confidence as I spoke of before, but I think that’s only part of it. I think I have shut down also because I have stopped believing something good will come from all the effort. I have lost the spark, the fire for what I used to love. It’s not like I am depressed about it, I just don’t feel anything about it. Do I love something else? Is it time to move on? No, nothing else catches my fancy and because of other life circumstances, I have deadened most everything in my life and most of my feelings for anything. Certain people in my life find my excitement and passion weird, loud and sometimes obnoxious. It’s complicated but yes, I have subjugated a part of myself. I think I am duller than I used to be and that is making is hard for me to light the fire and get pumped about kicking my life back into high gear. That and the real doubt it’s going to happen.
Does all the self reflecting naval gazing help anything? I have no idea. Intellectual knowledge doesn’t count for much when you need the rubber to hit the road.