When you realize you have lived at least half of the most productive years of your life and squandered most of them, that’s when you can get really down. I am talking professionally here, mostly. Even some of the things I had some accomplishment in I never took to the hilt. I was good, but never approached great. If my life could be summed up in one word it would be average. I was fine. Good, not great. I guess if I truly accepted that, believed that was all I was capable of I would be satisfied. But the fact that it bothers me makes me think I was capable of more. I didn’t come close to reaching my potential and that gnaws at you.
I swear to God if I see another image with a motivational or special saying typed on top of it I ‘m going to jab my eyes out. I hate that shit. I’ve seen it, read it, tried to believe it all. It never got me anywhere and now I can’t stand it because I know it’s all bullshit. Words. Don’t. Mean. Shit. You can talk all day, hell I talked a great game all the time but backed it up with nothing. And then people find out you’re full of shit and when they do, you’re really fucked.
I am proud of myself, though, because as dark as I have been feeling lately, I have not gone down the rabbit hole. Used to be things would begin to spiral well out of control by now, but I’m keeping it together. How, I don’t know. Some of that “counseling” paying off?