b_black_square_fmtJust because you’re off the special sauce doesn’t mean everything is honkey dory. Far from it. It just means you have to manage on your own.

I cant describe how much I hate my life, how much gone to shit it has. It’s pretty much all my fault. Did it all to myself. God gave me a gift and I pissed all over it. There are a lot of things to be upset about but hopelessness is the king. That’s what I fight against the most. That’s the devil trying to drag me down. It’s so hard. I want to give in to that hopelessness. I’m never going to get that breakthrough I need. Why would God drag me through so much pain? And it doesn’t only hurt me but my family and everyone around me. I’m a virus. I’m a cancer. I’m going to burn it all down.

But like a ticicle at the back of my throat there is the smallest glimmer of hope left. A pin prick only but just enough so I go on, still suffering. I truly hope God delivers me soon. I’m not sure how much longer I will hold out. That tiny pin prick could fill in real fast, and then it will just be all dark.