The complete and total loss of all hope. This is what turned my world to black. A deep, seemingly endless black hole and I nearly lost myself in it.
Hope is a popular thing to talk about, but I learned a in a vey personal way, the power of hope. It is the very thread that holds it all together and may be the one thing keeping you from falling over the edge.
During some of my darker years, there were times I had feelings of complete and total hopelessness. Not intellectual or theoretical this time, but very real. So real, in fact, that I became really scared like I had never been before. Scared in a way that I knew I was in a dangerous place, and that scared me even more. It was the closest I ever came to suicide. I could see it clearly; if there was no hope of any kind, there was no point of staying around. Very logical. I am not one to actively kill myself or maybe I just wasn’t as far as I thought I was, but I did have a very strong desire to die in a passive way. For example, if I could die of a heart attack in my sleep or by some ramdom accident. To go to sleep and just not wake up. I started with the feeling that it wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen and progressed to really wanting it. Then the hopelessness kicked in and I realized I wasn’t joking around at all, I wanted to die passively in some way. This is when I scared the crap out of myself and realized I needed help.
Soon after that I had my second nervous breakdown and went to see a psychiatrist, mostly because I wanted anti-depressants. I was so fragile and desperate I couldn’t wait to swallow that first pill. I think I started to understand why some people take drugs. I would have done anything to stop the pain. In a different situation and without the resources available to me, I would have gladly taken whatever drug I could have gotten ahold of. Whatever would stop the pain.
I loved being medicated, because it made me stop feeling so much. I could tollerate almost anything. I loved being numb. Readers of this blog know I was on Lexapro for several years and was scared to stop taking it. Why mess with a good thing, right? Until I realized it was not working the same way anymore and it was actually starting to cause more problems than it was solving. The depth of my numbness lead me to stop taking care of things; my wife and family, ect. If my life completely fell apart and I lost everything, I just didn’t seem to care. That’s when I knew it was time to rejoin the feeling world.
Today, I still struggle with darkness which is kind of the point of this whole blog, but the most important lesson I have learned is to never, ever loose hope. No matter what happens, that’s the one thing you must hold on to above all else.
I hope you are doing well fair readers and I wish you nothing but the best.