Tag Archives: Lexapro

I’m Afraid Of The Dark

DarknessMaybe it’s my circadian rhythms that are all screwed up because of the winter or maybe because of the shocking life event I almost went through that still has me rattled, but I have noticed that I am most unhappy and unsettled at night. I also don’t like it that the sun doesn’t come up in the morning until after 7:30am. I hate the dark.

Winters can be difficult in the pacific northwest because of the too short days and so much cloud cover and rain. Last winter wasn’t a problem for me, but I was on the Lexapro. And this winter has been much more trying. Managing my moods and attitude is much harder without the drugs and I have struggled with that this last six months. It’s partially what lead to the traumatic life event that had me within inches of reaching out for more Lexapro. I felt like I was right on the edge of going over the waterfall and actually did place a call to my psychologist to get more Lexapro. Fortunately she did not return my call for several days because of a holiday and by the time she did call things had calmed down and I felt like I could handle it.

I feel like depression and anxiety is like being an alcoholic. You can get better and learn to manage yourself, but that certain something will always be there, small and quiet in the back of your brain, waiting to explode again. The thing is now to manage it and how to deal with the situations that irritate it, make it want to stir and come to life.

Brain To Emotions: Activate!

Since quitting Lexapro I am still getting some brain flickering as I call it from time to time, but I think it’s getting less as time goes on. What has happened, quite profoundly, is that I have become much more animated. The bigest and strongest emotion to return is anger. Yea, I get angrier than I have in a long time. It’s nothing bad or abusive to anyone, but I will fight back more now and feel that feeling of frustration. Hardly anything bothered me that much on Lexapro and I let so much go. I don’t know if that always served me well though. It’s not like I had an anger problem before, my issue was depression. But obviously the Lexapro tamped down the anger as well and I don’t mind having it back. It’s part of getting back the passion and drive Lexapro made it harder to access.

A few more times I have had the most horrible dread feeling. It doesn’t last long but wow, I wish could express how absolutely horrific it is. It’s the worst possible feeling you could ever feel, worse than any fear of death. If I could ever put it to words or film I would be the greatest horror storyteller that ever existed.

Quitting Lexapro Update

I am not completely sure how many days I have been off Lexapro because I don’t remember the actual day I ran out of pills. It wasn’t my intention to go cold turkey but I ran out of pills and decided to call my doc and ask about getting off. She didn’t get back to me for a few days and by then it had been a week off the medicine so I figured I would just keep going.

I have been looking at Internet accounts of people getting off Lexapro, which I don’t recommend because it can really freak you out. Many people, I guess, have real problems when coming off the drug. So far, I haven’t felt much of anything. The primary complaint I hear is what are referred to as “brain zaps” which are described as a “rebooting” of sorts. Like you’re not there for a second and then you are fine. The only thing I feel in my head is more of a flickering, like a light flickering on and off quickly. Maybe this is a mini brain zap. It’s weird but not horrible. When I went without Lexapro for more than a few days in the past I would sometimes feel an overwhelming feeling of dread. I wish I could explain better what this was like but suffice to say it was powerful and incredibly scary. There were times when I felt like I might have a panic attack. This is what I feared the most in going off Lexapro but thank God I have only felt this once, when I woke up this morning in fact. Fortunately I did not last long and I kept it together but there was a moment when I thought I was in real trouble.

In my research I read that taking fish oil supplement can help with the brain zaps and contributes generally to a felling of well being. After that scary moment this morning I took a fish oil capsule which I fortunately just happened to have on hand. I will be taking one every morning for the next several weeks, just for safety sake.

Goodbye Lexapro

I have made my decision. I am geting off Lexapro. I did not consult with my shrink on this decision although I will follow her advice for getting off. This was my decision and I had to make it myself. It’s something I have been considering for a month or so.

The primary thing that drove me to the decision was the overwhelming feeling of apathy that has come over me the past year. Lexapro has numbed me out so much I don’t care about anything anymore. This has become a real problem and has affected my daily life. Working for yourself requires tremendous motivation and drive and I have none. I need to feel again, for better or worse.

The other thing is a realization that when I went on Lexapro, I did very much need it and it helped greatly. I was going through an incredibly hard time in my life and was sinking into a deep, dark hole. It was to the point where I was loosing control and I felt like things were getting dangerous. But I am in a different place now and situations have changed. I think I have outlived my need for Lexapro but I have been a little afraid to realize it. Lexapro doesn’t really help you “deal” with anything so much as it turns off the light so you don’t have to see the monster. Now at the time I needed to not see the monster. Now, however, it’s time to stop hiding and move on. I am a different person in a different place. I’m not even sure the monster is even there anymore. If he is, well I need to find a more effective way of dealing with him.

Lexapro: Lulled Into Complacency?

pic_brainimageI have been on Lexapro for a few years now and as I have said on this blog before, it has been the bedrock on which I stand. Lately, however, I have been wondering if the Lexapro has been lulling me into a passive state in which I have not been at my best.

Lexapro has quite effectively dulled out my feelings. I can no longer sink into a deep depression. This has been a good thing, but I also don’t feel any strong emotions when faced with problems I should be taking care of. I can ignore things that end up getting me in big trouble, but I don’t care about the consequences. I used to think I didn’t care because of my depression, but now I am wondering if that’s just the Lexapro dulling things out. I need to feel again. I need to feel so I am spurred to act.

I never thought I would want to leave the protected cocoon Lexapro has provided but I am realizing now, it’s may be doing more harm than good. What will happen when I am faced with a major depressive trama? I don’t know but somehow I feel like it’s time to pull my head out and deal with it already. Maybe the whole things is a self feeding, self defeating shit fest. Oh, woe is me, I need my Lexapro.

I haven’t made a final decision on this, but I will be talking to my doctor about it. I could always go back on Lexapro if it’s a dismal failure. I would love to know if any of you feel Lexapro or your other drugs are dulling you out too much.

Bullet Dodged

Bullet DodgeJust to keep you guys up to date, we did not end up buying the house that was causing me so much concern. We ended up finding another house not too far away that was much better in every way and did not cause me any anxiety. So, bullet dodged.

I talked about this with my new psychologist, about how for the fist time since taking it, the Lexapro wall was pierced. But also, how this sense of, as she called it, existential loneliness, keeps coming back in my life. I can track it back to what was my very first complete nervous breakdown. That I will blog about in a future post.

As we further plumb the depths of my mind and attempt to get my wiring back on track, this will be a big one to tackle. As I may have said in the past, I have not had much luck with psychologists in the past, but this one I have now, who is actually a nurse practitioner, is the best I have ever seen.

Gloom From Out Of The Blue

Blue RoseSomething very strange happened to me today; I experienced a strong feeling of gloom, right out of the blue. I have been through other hard, stressful times. I experienced things that would usually get me very depressed or anxious, but the Lexapro always buffered things. At most I felt a certain numbness which was weird in itself.

Today my wife and I were out looking at a particular house as we have been looking at moving within the next year. It nothing unexpected and it was even in a city we have looked at before. I was perfectly fine driving around checkout the surrounding area, no problems. On our last pass by the house I got this sinking feeling, completely unexpected, but there it was. I can’t even put into words what it was, a very vague feeling of gloom. It has stayed with me for the past several hours. There are some things that concern me about where the house is, but why that would manifest it self so strongly before I have even seen the house itself is strange. It’s a somewhat valid but at the same time not valid concern. What freaks me out a little is that it’s the first thing to ever pierce the Lexapro web. Not that I have gone into a serious depression or anything close to it, but this gloom feeling is the strongest negative feeling I have had since going on Lexapro.

There are two probable reasons I have this anxiety right now. I always get anxious around any kind of change. I like to get settled in a situation and then be happy. I have not historically dealt well with change. Even when it’s a change I know about and even agree with, like moving. If there is even the smallest chance of something negative, I freak out.

The second probable reason is much more potent as it goes to the very core of who I am and how I operate. I have a desperate fear of disconnection. It’s not a fear of being alone. I like being alone, sometimes. No, it’s disconnection meaning I want to feel connected to other people and the world around me. It’s like the opposite of a hermit.

hermit (adjectival formeremitic) is a person who lives, to some degree, in seclusion from society.

You see, I like to live in great inclusion to society. This particular house is in a city that is quite rural for one but more troubling is the house is at the end of a private road, tucked into a forested area. What will the view be like? Will it be only forest or can I see out into the distance across an area of land? Is there enough room as to not feel to closed in? I like some privacy but I want to be able to see, even in the distance, other houses and roads. The big problem here is that we never got to see the house as it was on that private drive, so we did not got to a point where we could really see anything. That will come tomorrow when we meet a relator to see the entire house, inside and out. Maybe it will be fine, maybe it won’t. Maybe this piercing of the Lexapro is temporary and my strength will soon return. What is for certain is this fear of disconnection is something I am going to have to take up with my new shrink.

Lexapro Is The Bedrock On Which I Stand

Happy PillsWhen I first went to the psychiatrist to get medecine for my depression, I really thought I was going to get something to make me feel happy. What I got was Lexapro which does not make me feel happy. What it does is put a floor under me so that I do not descend into a deep spiral of depression. The best way I can describe Lexapro is that it doesn’t allow me to feel sad. This is a good thing and I’m glad for it, but I really thought there was some kind of happy pill. After several inquiries I have to accept the fact that there is no happy pill.

My first psychiatrist asked once if I wanted to come off the Lexapro as I was doing better. I am not at all ready for that. I’m a little scared to tell you the truth to go off because won’t I go right back to where I was? I haven’t really dealt with the core of my problems yet. Lexapro keeps me going until then. That is why my new nurse practitioner and I are on a path to really get to the core of what is going on and change my neural pathways to literally think different. Only then will I be able to quit the Lexapro.

Lexapro Dreams

Vivid DreamsI really don’t intend this blog to be all about Lexapro, but it is what I take on a daily basis, so there will be plenty of Lexapro posts. I promise in the future, we will move on to other topics.

One of the side effects of Lexapro is what they call “vivid dreams” and I can tell you they aren’t kidding. I cannot relate to you anything specific and it has been a little bit since I have had one, but there are times when I do get some amazingly vivid dreams. These dreams are not like anything I have ever experienced. I am talking crystal clear, full color, dreams as real as anything. They are not particularly bad or scary or good, just incredibly heightened. It’s always a little freaky waking up from one of these dreams. It’s kind of like you just watched, or even participated in, a movie.

You Can Have My Lexapro When You Pry It From My Cold Dead Hands

LexaproI read with amusement and horror this article about various folks in my home state of Oregon who want to rein in the use of mental health drugs. Of course they have done their studies and research and tell them that prolonged use of medicines could be harmfull.

I’m sure they all mean well and the article is somewhat balanced with other opinion that says psychic drugs do work on some people and can be very helpful. Right now I’m pretty dependent on my Lexapro and I really don’t want to hear about reining anything in, at least not for me. Mind your own business and leave me out of it. Whatever harm Lexapro could be doing to me is far less than what I have to go through right now without it. I’ll take the harm.

Do I want to be on drugs forever? No. It would be nice to get to a point where I have learned to effectively cope with my problems, but I’m a long way off from that. You know all these doctors and scientists, doing their little experiments. Have they ever experienced what a deep depression feels like? Have they ever been through a suicidal episode? All your theories and such as all well and good but until you have lived through what we as mental health patients have lived through, you just have no idea what your’re talking about.