Tag Archives: Change

Trouble With Change

ChangeConsider this a part two of the Gloom From Out Of The Blue post. I have always had problems with change, especially change that comes suddenly or without warning. I have a story to tell you as an example of change and it relates to the Out Of The Blue post perfectly because it’s also about moving.

When I left college I went to the Silicon Valley to seek my fortune. I was completely hooked on tech and there’s no place better for pure tech than the valley. Also, my two sisters both lived in the valley so that was a nice bonus. I found an apartment in Sunnyvale with a guy I met on some kind of apartment matching service. This was before the web that we know today so I can’t remember how the service worked. He was a nice guy and we got along great. We had a two bedroom apartment in a nice complex and all was good.

After a year or so of living there he tells me that he is going to move to a new place a few miles away that is more of a condo setup. It’s much more like a house than an apartment and is therefore much nicer. He was happy to have me come along if I wanted.

I looked at the place with him and it seemed fine, but I started feeling very anxious about it. At the apartment, there were more units and a little market and activities. There was a sense of community that I really liked. There was no such things at the new condo. It made me get that disconnected feeling I described in the Out Of The Blue post. It’s not like I had a lot of friends or participated in any social events at the apartment complex, but the fact that they were available at all seemed to make a difference. But I did not want to find a new roommate or go out on my own, so anxiety and all, I went along. I remember the first few weeks at the new place, my anxiety surged. I was so uncomfortable and sad. I cried several times. After awhile though, I did adjust. After a few weeks I was fine and I lived there for another year and had no problems. That beginning adjustment period was the heard part.

So I am thinking about this new house that is freaking me out and now wondering if there will be a similar adjustment period that will be very hard but after a few weeks I will adjust and be fine. I don’t even know yet if we will even buy that house, but if we do, I hope this self awareness helps me though the adjustment period.

Gloom From Out Of The Blue

Blue RoseSomething very strange happened to me today; I experienced a strong feeling of gloom, right out of the blue. I have been through other hard, stressful times. I experienced things that would usually get me very depressed or anxious, but the Lexapro always buffered things. At most I felt a certain numbness which was weird in itself.

Today my wife and I were out looking at a particular house as we have been looking at moving within the next year. It nothing unexpected and it was even in a city we have looked at before. I was perfectly fine driving around checkout the surrounding area, no problems. On our last pass by the house I got this sinking feeling, completely unexpected, but there it was. I can’t even put into words what it was, a very vague feeling of gloom. It has stayed with me for the past several hours. There are some things that concern me about where the house is, but why that would manifest it self so strongly before I have even seen the house itself is strange. It’s a somewhat valid but at the same time not valid concern. What freaks me out a little is that it’s the first thing to ever pierce the Lexapro web. Not that I have gone into a serious depression or anything close to it, but this gloom feeling is the strongest negative feeling I have had since going on Lexapro.

There are two probable reasons I have this anxiety right now. I always get anxious around any kind of change. I like to get settled in a situation and then be happy. I have not historically dealt well with change. Even when it’s a change I know about and even agree with, like moving. If there is even the smallest chance of something negative, I freak out.

The second probable reason is much more potent as it goes to the very core of who I am and how I operate. I have a desperate fear of disconnection. It’s not a fear of being alone. I like being alone, sometimes. No, it’s disconnection meaning I want to feel connected to other people and the world around me. It’s like the opposite of a hermit.

hermit (adjectival formeremitic) is a person who lives, to some degree, in seclusion from society.

You see, I like to live in great inclusion to society. This particular house is in a city that is quite rural for one but more troubling is the house is at the end of a private road, tucked into a forested area. What will the view be like? Will it be only forest or can I see out into the distance across an area of land? Is there enough room as to not feel to closed in? I like some privacy but I want to be able to see, even in the distance, other houses and roads. The big problem here is that we never got to see the house as it was on that private drive, so we did not got to a point where we could really see anything. That will come tomorrow when we meet a relator to see the entire house, inside and out. Maybe it will be fine, maybe it won’t. Maybe this piercing of the Lexapro is temporary and my strength will soon return. What is for certain is this fear of disconnection is something I am going to have to take up with my new shrink.