Tag Archives: Anxiety

A Constant Tension

TENSION 140My son has what they are calling a “sensitivity disorder”. I don’t full understand what this is yet, but clearly he has problems dealing with himself. Somedays are better than others. There are times when he seems to have a tention build up and he needs to expel it. Usually, he does this by throwing things or sweeping everything off the table with out fail swoop. You can just see the tension, almost feel it. Sometimes he shakes his head for side to side violently.

I might not understand what they say he is going through, but I do understand his tension. I know what it’s like to feel constant tension and unease. I’ve felt it all my life. You’re never really comfortable, never at ease. For me, the release of tension always came in the form of a physical tic. I’ve had many other the years, and I’m never without one. Once it was my leg kicking up in a particular way, another time it was stretching my mouth out. These days, I seemed to have settled into a nose wrinkle. Whatever it is, it’s always very noticeable in a physical way. I’m sure I seem pretty weird because of it.

He is only a baby and not talking yet, so I can just hold him, stroke his head and whisper “I know” to him. Nobody ever said I have a sensitivity disorder or autism or anything else, but back when I was a kid, they weren’t so quick to identify you with a disorder. You were just a nervous kid, a little high strung. Whatever, I have learned to deal with it, as best I can. Maybe when he gets older, it will help him to know at least a part of what he is going through we share.

I’m Afraid Of The Dark

DarknessMaybe it’s my circadian rhythms that are all screwed up because of the winter or maybe because of the shocking life event I almost went through that still has me rattled, but I have noticed that I am most unhappy and unsettled at night. I also don’t like it that the sun doesn’t come up in the morning until after 7:30am. I hate the dark.

Winters can be difficult in the pacific northwest because of the too short days and so much cloud cover and rain. Last winter wasn’t a problem for me, but I was on the Lexapro. And this winter has been much more trying. Managing my moods and attitude is much harder without the drugs and I have struggled with that this last six months. It’s partially what lead to the traumatic life event that had me within inches of reaching out for more Lexapro. I felt like I was right on the edge of going over the waterfall and actually did place a call to my psychologist to get more Lexapro. Fortunately she did not return my call for several days because of a holiday and by the time she did call things had calmed down and I felt like I could handle it.

I feel like depression and anxiety is like being an alcoholic. You can get better and learn to manage yourself, but that certain something will always be there, small and quiet in the back of your brain, waiting to explode again. The thing is now to manage it and how to deal with the situations that irritate it, make it want to stir and come to life.

Goodbye Lexapro

I have made my decision. I am geting off Lexapro. I did not consult with my shrink on this decision although I will follow her advice for getting off. This was my decision and I had to make it myself. It’s something I have been considering for a month or so.

The primary thing that drove me to the decision was the overwhelming feeling of apathy that has come over me the past year. Lexapro has numbed me out so much I don’t care about anything anymore. This has become a real problem and has affected my daily life. Working for yourself requires tremendous motivation and drive and I have none. I need to feel again, for better or worse.

The other thing is a realization that when I went on Lexapro, I did very much need it and it helped greatly. I was going through an incredibly hard time in my life and was sinking into a deep, dark hole. It was to the point where I was loosing control and I felt like things were getting dangerous. But I am in a different place now and situations have changed. I think I have outlived my need for Lexapro but I have been a little afraid to realize it. Lexapro doesn’t really help you “deal” with anything so much as it turns off the light so you don’t have to see the monster. Now at the time I needed to not see the monster. Now, however, it’s time to stop hiding and move on. I am a different person in a different place. I’m not even sure the monster is even there anymore. If he is, well I need to find a more effective way of dealing with him.

It’s Hard To Spend Time Here

depressionI don’t blog here terribly often and I don’t spend a lot of time on other depression websites or forums. I don’t participate in depression communities. I just can’t do it.

I suffer from depression and anxiety, yes, but I don’t want to live with it every day in such a deliberate way. It feels like I’m wallowing in it and I refuse to do that. On my better days, I would like to even forget I have depression.

For some people, this won’t be the right choice. For some, community is going to help and be a real benefit. God bless and go forward I say.

I will continue to share here when I have something poignant to say and I will answer your comments, but that’s about all I can do. I have depression but I’m solidering on, I’m living my life. I can’t afford to stop and analyze it all.

Trouble With Change

ChangeConsider this a part two of the Gloom From Out Of The Blue post. I have always had problems with change, especially change that comes suddenly or without warning. I have a story to tell you as an example of change and it relates to the Out Of The Blue post perfectly because it’s also about moving.

When I left college I went to the Silicon Valley to seek my fortune. I was completely hooked on tech and there’s no place better for pure tech than the valley. Also, my two sisters both lived in the valley so that was a nice bonus. I found an apartment in Sunnyvale with a guy I met on some kind of apartment matching service. This was before the web that we know today so I can’t remember how the service worked. He was a nice guy and we got along great. We had a two bedroom apartment in a nice complex and all was good.

After a year or so of living there he tells me that he is going to move to a new place a few miles away that is more of a condo setup. It’s much more like a house than an apartment and is therefore much nicer. He was happy to have me come along if I wanted.

I looked at the place with him and it seemed fine, but I started feeling very anxious about it. At the apartment, there were more units and a little market and activities. There was a sense of community that I really liked. There was no such things at the new condo. It made me get that disconnected feeling I described in the Out Of The Blue post. It’s not like I had a lot of friends or participated in any social events at the apartment complex, but the fact that they were available at all seemed to make a difference. But I did not want to find a new roommate or go out on my own, so anxiety and all, I went along. I remember the first few weeks at the new place, my anxiety surged. I was so uncomfortable and sad. I cried several times. After awhile though, I did adjust. After a few weeks I was fine and I lived there for another year and had no problems. That beginning adjustment period was the heard part.

So I am thinking about this new house that is freaking me out and now wondering if there will be a similar adjustment period that will be very hard but after a few weeks I will adjust and be fine. I don’t even know yet if we will even buy that house, but if we do, I hope this self awareness helps me though the adjustment period.

Gloom From Out Of The Blue

Blue RoseSomething very strange happened to me today; I experienced a strong feeling of gloom, right out of the blue. I have been through other hard, stressful times. I experienced things that would usually get me very depressed or anxious, but the Lexapro always buffered things. At most I felt a certain numbness which was weird in itself.

Today my wife and I were out looking at a particular house as we have been looking at moving within the next year. It nothing unexpected and it was even in a city we have looked at before. I was perfectly fine driving around checkout the surrounding area, no problems. On our last pass by the house I got this sinking feeling, completely unexpected, but there it was. I can’t even put into words what it was, a very vague feeling of gloom. It has stayed with me for the past several hours. There are some things that concern me about where the house is, but why that would manifest it self so strongly before I have even seen the house itself is strange. It’s a somewhat valid but at the same time not valid concern. What freaks me out a little is that it’s the first thing to ever pierce the Lexapro web. Not that I have gone into a serious depression or anything close to it, but this gloom feeling is the strongest negative feeling I have had since going on Lexapro.

There are two probable reasons I have this anxiety right now. I always get anxious around any kind of change. I like to get settled in a situation and then be happy. I have not historically dealt well with change. Even when it’s a change I know about and even agree with, like moving. If there is even the smallest chance of something negative, I freak out.

The second probable reason is much more potent as it goes to the very core of who I am and how I operate. I have a desperate fear of disconnection. It’s not a fear of being alone. I like being alone, sometimes. No, it’s disconnection meaning I want to feel connected to other people and the world around me. It’s like the opposite of a hermit.

hermit (adjectival formeremitic) is a person who lives, to some degree, in seclusion from society.

You see, I like to live in great inclusion to society. This particular house is in a city that is quite rural for one but more troubling is the house is at the end of a private road, tucked into a forested area. What will the view be like? Will it be only forest or can I see out into the distance across an area of land? Is there enough room as to not feel to closed in? I like some privacy but I want to be able to see, even in the distance, other houses and roads. The big problem here is that we never got to see the house as it was on that private drive, so we did not got to a point where we could really see anything. That will come tomorrow when we meet a relator to see the entire house, inside and out. Maybe it will be fine, maybe it won’t. Maybe this piercing of the Lexapro is temporary and my strength will soon return. What is for certain is this fear of disconnection is something I am going to have to take up with my new shrink.

Background Anxiety

Background AnxietyI have always had a twitch in my body somewhere. It moves around and takes slightly different forms but I have had, for as long as I can remember, some kind of physical twitch. It is a part of my personality and has been a cause for teasing and worse in the past. I understand now that it is generated by a background anxiety I constantly feel. I am rarely completely relaxed. I always feel some kind of tension. Sometimes it’s pretty light but it’s always there.

I would love to know your experiences with background anxiety and especially any techniques you have for dealing with it. Please use the blog comments.