Better or Different

eggI don’t have a great deal to report and that’s generally a good thing. But somehow I thought of the bog here and wanted to at least check-in. Last year was possibly the worst year of my life. Without going into details, several events happened and the general state of things was simply horrible. This year, things have started to turn around and it’s made a big difference all around. I wouldn’t say I am a happy person by any means, but I am certainly not depressed. I still carry a general overall tension about me and I rarely feel relaxed and at ease. This is primarily because there are a few issues left I have not dealt with that could come back to haunt me. But I am worlds away from where I was two years ago. I went through a massively traumatic event late last year and I held up psychologically. I didn’t crack and go down the dark spiral that has consumed me in the past. I generally feel like I am in much better control and I am not sure if that’s from the counseling I got or something else. It’s not like anyone gave me any tangible techniques to use so maybe the awareness itself helped.

I still have thoughts at times that I would rather not do this anymore, living. Some days it’s just so, I don’t know, not worth the struggle. Like I said, it’s not like my life is some happy go lucky fun time. But these thoughts are very intellectual not at all powerfully real and tangible like they were in the past. So am I better or just different?