I’m Afraid Of The Dark

DarknessMaybe it’s my circadian rhythms that are all screwed up because of the winter or maybe because of the shocking life event I almost went through that still has me rattled, but I have noticed that I am most unhappy and unsettled at night. I also don’t like it that the sun doesn’t come up in the morning until after 7:30am. I hate the dark.

Winters can be difficult in the pacific northwest because of the too short days and so much cloud cover and rain. Last winter wasn’t a problem for me, but I was on the Lexapro. And this winter has been much more trying. Managing my moods and attitude is much harder without the drugs and I have struggled with that this last six months. It’s partially what lead to the traumatic life event that had me within inches of reaching out for more Lexapro. I felt like I was right on the edge of going over the waterfall and actually did place a call to my psychologist to get more Lexapro. Fortunately she did not return my call for several days because of a holiday and by the time she did call things had calmed down and I felt like I could handle it.

I feel like depression and anxiety is like being an alcoholic. You can get better and learn to manage yourself, but that certain something will always be there, small and quiet in the back of your brain, waiting to explode again. The thing is now to manage it and how to deal with the situations that irritate it, make it want to stir and come to life.